Believe it or not, the act of dying in America has more bureaucracy than living.
My dad doing one of his favorite things.
My father made his funeral preparations shortly after my mother died more than ten years ago. He was as prepared as could be for his demise and did his level best to make sure I was prepared as well. It was incredibly loving gesture because closing out a loved one’s estate while you’re grieving is a responsibility most of us will have to face in our lifetime. My father died in March after a short but brutal fight with cancer. In the months leading up to his death, he saw the end coming and tried to prepare me. But little can prepare a rookie for the sheer volume of paperwork, all the agencies involved and how unforgiving the “system” will be towards your emotional state. I’ve made many mistakes along the way and have some insights to share. I am not an expert, I do not know the legalities of death in all the states. These are some very general tips and things to think about from someone in the trenches. Please consult professionals about professional services.
PREPARE YOURSELF!
- WRITE IT DOWN. It doesn’t really matter to whom or how often you just say what your final wishes are. The law only cares about what has been specifically stated in an official document. See an attorney, make a will, or a trust, or whatever works best for your family. An estate without a will is a billion times harder to close out. Do it for your family.
- WRITE IT DOWN (2). The law allows for you to die exactly as you wish, but you have to state those wishes on a document. If you don’t want heroic measures, such a life support or feeding tubes, then make sure you fill out the forms easily available from your health care professional. Give a copy to your doctor, keep a copy easy to find in an emergency. Make sure your family knows that you did express your wishes and where they can find the information.
- MAKE A LIST. Take some time to list all of your assets, such as bank accounts, investments, property holdings and life insurance. Put all the information like account numbers, addresses and policy numbers on the list too. You want your heirs to get all they are entitled to, but they won’t know unless you tell them.
- MAKE YOUR FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS. Do it now, it’s not going to get any cheaper, you know. Funerals are expensive and planning a funeral when you’re grieving is fraught with emotional challenges. Pre-need burial plans are easy to obtain and financing is generally available. YOU decide how your body will be disposed of, so your heirs don’t have to guess or bankrupt themselves putting you in the ground.
- BANK ACCOUNTS. If you want your money to go directly to someone upon your death, put that person on your bank account(s). If the account is held jointly, there is no waiting, that person can access the account without legal dispensation. Even with the funeral arrangements paid, there are still plenty of expenses involved in settling an estate.
BE PREPARED!
- GET AN ATTORNEY. Please don’t try to settle an estate on your own unless that is your business. Most of us simply do not know all the legal technicalities. The State is unforgiving about paperwork, it must be done as The State demands. Your grief is not an acceptable excuse for dropping the ball.
- INFORMATION. Get all your death documents in one place. Everything. Even stuff you don’t think you will need. Put it all together in a folder and take that folder EVERYWHERE you go to handle estate business. Trust me on this, if you’re missing as much as one address, you will have to start over from scratch.
- REMEMBER. If you’re in charge of an estate, you are also in charge of settling all the debts of the estate. This includes all the normal bills and taxes. The deceased will owe state and federal taxes, it’s your responsibility to make sure they get filed.
- DELEGATE. When possible, let the professionals do their jobs. Let your family help you, let your friends help you. Even writing an obituary can be devastatingly difficult. If you have people to lean on, start leaning. I hired an estate liquidator to handle my dad’s things. It was a very good choice.
- BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Grief is hard enough on its own. Add it to the work of settling an estate and the stress of it will put you in an early grave. No one expects you to be perfect. It’s completely fine to let your house get a little dirty and order pizza often.
Death and dying are unpleasant topics, taking care of yourself before it’s necessary will give you peace of mind. I hope this helped some of you to make those important arrangements. If you’ve been through this before and find something missing from the above lists, please add a comment.
